When it comes to holiday gift giving, it's the thought that counts...unless you're thinking about gifting one of the turkeys below. In that case, you should probably just stay home and send an e-card. Seriously, it's better that way.
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| Microphone Tongs |
Microphone Tongs
$12, CoolStuffExpress.com
Pipe-dreaming meets multi-tasking with this ingenious tool: microphone tongs. Now you can indulge in your wildest rock star fantasy while preparing a healthy snack. Besides, the old singing-into-a-hairbrush routine is so '80s teen movie.
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| Dog Mustache Toy |
Dog Mustache Toy
$10, uncommongoods.com
Much like photographing infants decorated with fake leaves in flowerpots, the dog moustache is just plain cruel. But hey, this type of torture only costs $10 — those photos of babies in flowerpots are way pricier.
| Benadictaphone Keychain |
Benadictaphone Keychain
$14, store.heliotropehome.com
A voice recorder shaped like Pope Benedict XVI's head, the Benadictaphone's only redeeming quality is that it comes with a key chain attachment — the kind that's easy to find in the bottom of your purse at 3 a.m. when you've gotten home too late and don't need his judgmental glare.
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| Tablet PC & eReader Arm Holders |
Tablet PC & eReader Arm Holders
$40, prankpack.com
You're at the mall and you totally want to look at your favorite apps, but you brought your clutch instead of your messenger bag! Whoa, calm down, it's cool — you strapped your iPad to your wrist, remember? Close call.
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| Banana Guard |
Banana Guard
$10, bananaguard.com
We get that it’s practical, but come on — no one wants to be associated with a good place to stick a banana.
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| Pet Petter Prank Gift Box |
Pet Petter
$8 for the prank gift box, prankpack.com
For those who find pet ownership a stressful and angst-ridden exercise, this device eliminates actually having to touch your pet ever again. Now the only thing you’re responsible for is picking up poop.
| Peekaru |
Peekaru
$80, togetherbe.com
It's like a Snuggie, for babies. And the new mom that you'll horrify if you dare present her with this.
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| Bed Bug Stuffed Animal |
Bed Bug Stuffed Animal
$10, BedBugSupply.com
What better to way to guard against the infestation epidemic than by conditioning your children to recognize these offensive critters by having them cuddle with a giant stuffed bedbug.
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| Retro Phone |
Retro Phone
$50, Amazon.com
If a hipster answers his cell via a retro phone receiver attachment in the forest and there’s no one there to see it, is it still ironic?
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| LifeGem Memorial Diamonds |
LifeGem Memorial Diamonds
$2,699-$24,999, lifegem.com
You can't go wrong with diamonds — unless those diamonds are a by-product of recently deceased Fluffy's remains. Life Gem cremates departed pets, using the carbon to create a unique gem with a creepy backstory.
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| Fiber Optic Holiday Sweater |
Fiber Optic Holiday Sweater
$30, QVC.com
There's nothing better than an ugly holiday sweater to remind you of what the holidays are all about...except for a fiber-optic holiday sweater. Believe us, you'll be the talk of the party with this on. On the plus side, batteries are included!
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| Puppy Love Fragrance |
Puppy Love Fragrance
$44, pepperandtanky.com
Want to make your friend feel totally worthless this holiday season? Buy her a bottle of perfume...for her dog.
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| Butter Warmer |
Butter Warmer
Starting at $50, Yahoo! Shopping
Does your giftee need a break from watching paint dry? Now she can watch butter melt...a little faster this holiday season with help from this butter warmer.
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| Cell-Mate Headset |
Cell-Mate Headset
$15, cell-mateus.com
There's no gift more thoughtful than what basically amounts to a headset and plants your Zack Morris cell phone to your face. And it looks great, too.
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| Gold Pills |
Gold Pills
$799, gnr8.biz
We have nothing against gold — unless it comes in pill form, only to be seen again post-digestion.
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| Rejuvenique Anti-Aging Mask |
Rejuvenique Anti-Aging Mask
$40, amazon.com
Serial-killer mask? No, it's just Rejuvenique, a mask that's supposed to reduce the appearance of wrinkles with the help of a 9-volt battery strapped to your face. On the plus side, it's recession-friendly, and can double as a hockey mask or Halloween costume.
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| Spray-On Hair |
Spray-On Hair
$15, onlyhairloss.com
Nothing says "I care, but only a little" like a product that helps men with hair loss...by spray-painting hair on their bald spots. Who wouldn't want to run their hands through a thick mane of aerosol?
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| Inflatable Fruitcake |
Inflatable Fruitcake
$9.50, inflatablefruitcake.com
The idea of a zero-calorie holiday dessert is definitely appealing, but if you're bringing this blowup fruitcake to your office holiday party, may we suggest bringing an actual, edible sweet as a backup?
| How to Avoid Ships Manual |
Avoiding Ships Manual
How to Avoid Huge Ships, a book dedicated to the ins-and-outs of avoiding huge ships, not big ships, or large-sized ships, but huge ships. It has amazing user reviews on Amazon.
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